As I tap this out, my baby girl is sleeping in the next room. Occasionally, she grunts or cries out, but I've finally learned to resist the urge to run to her until she's fully awake and hollering like a ...
And there lies the reason for why I've neglected my personal writing. Since Kalina Gi Hee Holmes made her debut Feb. 3, 2016--three weeks before her due date--I've been struggling to find my words. Whatever eloquent or thought-provoking messages I thought I had to share with the world have been tucked away in some chest I've lost the key to.
I shouldn't be hard on myself for not having made any creative or professional strides the last couple of months--I just produced a healthy, beautiful human being out of thin air, for goodness' sake. (She's amazing, by the way. Sassy in all respects.) And yet, since the new mother fog has passed (this means instead of getting one or two consecutive hours of sleep at night, I'm now getting three or four), I find myself engulfed in a different cloud: one that reeks of guilt and self-doubt. What have I written lately? What steps have I taken to getting closer to marking some professional goals off my list?
This morning, I read a short by the poet Lucia Perillo titled "Brief History of My Thumb." In it, she reminisces about climbing into the cars of strangers during a time when people still hitchhiked. She was young, taking chances on life. "When I stood by the road, its ditch-wind fed me and made me rise," she writes.
I'm ready to feel the wind that feeds me again. If that means being a little all over the place on this blog, so be it. That's me fighting through the cloud.